the math presentation went off without much of a hitch this morning. it was on the fourth dimension, and we had everybody laughing and learning at the same time, which for me, is always the goal. the climax of the lesson was when we brought out the 8-foot tall 4-foot wide "three dimensional inescapable box of doom." we put dr. colgan inside of it, "sealed it tight," made everyone put on their 3D glasses, flickered the lights on and off, played mewithoutyou's 4D dream soundtrack (the song "[A]"), and supposedly lifted the box into the 4th dimension so that dr. colgan could escape. it was wonderful.

when i was telling mangum all of this he replied, "and you used to be a physics major?" and i must admit, those days seem so long ago.

grandparents are here today which means lots of slow buicks driving around the loop.

i am trying to write an article for the echo on why i like documentaries. the problem is, i cant really explain why i like them. nev had some good insights for me, and if you have any others, i'd love to converse. i feel like it's something really deep, but i can't put my finger on it. so think about it and get back to me.

i've been thinking about how much i have grown over the past four years. it is never readily noticeable, and it rarely took place through moments of revelation or clarity. it's just a gradual process that i can look back on. i could give you examples but i'll spare you the details. all i know is that college is important because it causes you to learn how to think and learn how to grow. i dont think what you go for or where you go is really that big of a deal, but just going is a healthy thing. um. yeah.

all for now.

my official guide to music for the year two thousand five.

if i was crying in the van with my friend, it was for freedom from myself and from the land.
i've made a lot of mistakes.
you came to take us (all things go, all things go) to recreate us (all things grow, all things grow).

(second one down...it's coming!)

for the first time in a while, i'm beginning to freak out.

i just found this, something i had forgotten about, and it's kind of funny.

speaking of blown covers, apparently, today in chapel, jody, a guy from penthouse, was sitting with his mother, who is the chair of the education department and one of my former professors. when she asked him who was screaming so loud in the penthouse section, he told her it was one of her former students, which limits it to 4 people, and 3 of them don't go to chapel anymore.

as noah said, good thing she wrote my letter of recommendation before today.

i must confess, i feel somewhat responsible for the snowy weather we had over the weekend.

i had been complaining that spring came too full and too fast, because over spring break i bought two cheap sweaters at the gap and only got to wear them once before the weather got all warm on us. so, my complaining led to this of all things. but i did get to wear both of my sweaters again. does that help?

so, yeah, akron and back and here we are. nate and ki and the growing zygote are doing wonderfully. it was great to see erica, but in some ways it made things worse than if we hadn't seen each other at all. a 24-hour tease, i guess. but we'll take what we can get at this point. nate and i relived our glory days and played guitars until late at night and it was wonderful. rusty, and not very pretty, but wonderful nonetheless.

26 days til graduation and 40 days til the wedding, but who's counting?

"i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy, or at least i'd like to be."

this semester i'm in a bunch of classes with a bunch of freshmen and other people i don't know. this has caused me to retreat into my shell and has given me the opportunity be the shy, quiet, mysterious guy i've always dreamt of being.

but you can only keep it up for so long.

there are two freshman girls who are roommates, and one is in my math group and one is in my art for teachers group. and last night they just happened to be sitting across the aisle from me during nostalgia night.

they heard me yelling "WHODUNNIT?!?" during all the silent moments. they saw me vigorously busting a move to "play that funky music white boy." and they were even watching when i was participating in the intermission crowd surfing.

and, just like that, my cover was blown.

as if that's not bad enough, today, they found my picture in the front of the Odyssey, with my victorious fist in the air and my mouth open in mid-yell. this illustrated to them that, not only am i not as shy as i pretend to be, but i'm also clearly the most popular guy on campus.

it's like finding the spandex suit in clark kent's dresser drawer.

on another note, after a spur of the moment decision, in a few minutes i'm off to sweet cuyohoga falls, ohio, to not only visit the lovely and hospitable and pregnant nathaniel and kileigh su, but also to see a certain special fine looking young lady at this convenient halfway point.

have a good weekend. i do hope all of you are well. in fact, i'm imagining several of you in particular, staring at this on your computer screens, and i'm wondering how you are doing, so why not tell me?

remember that stuff i said about not getting sentimental?

i take it all back.

nostalgia night 2005 was enough to melt the coldest case of senioritis. anything steve jones touches is magical. joe ozinga brings me more joy than most people. the choir attempted the shorby shuffle, but the guys who knew it were in the back, and the girls in the front were just pumping their arms, but it was a valiant effort. haller and the artist formerly known as liz and their tribute to the seniors was priceless. and devo? ooooooohhhhhh devo. where do we begin? everywhere i looked, i laughed. that wasn't the reserved joe darling i know. ben's hat falling over his eyes. e playing the wood clapper and running around the stage. and snake. oooohhhh snake. the trash bag, the whip, the lack of coordination. he was a five year old that just wouldnt quit. i havent laughed that hard in a long time. oh, and i even got crowd surfed during intermission.

so, at least for tonight, i'm not quite ready to leave this place. how am i supposed to go home and finish teacher applications after a night like this?

it's been a stimulating morning.

good conversation with the fellowship of smouldering hearts, discussing the illogical nature of God, awkward and glorious movement, and our friends Jonah and Job.

history consisted of conversations about the ku klux klan which was also challenging and interesting. my heart goes out to people who are mixed up in the KKK or God Hates Fags or what-have-you. they are sincere and are trying to do the right thing, but their thinking has become so warped. at any rate, i am thankful for dr. messer, and looking at the 8 of 13 students who are wide-eyed freshmen in that class, i am glad i'm taking it during my senior year. i am learning so much more than i would have if i were a freshman.

and i read some cs lewis, which is something i haven't normally done, and we'll get to that in a second.

but the sad thing is, there are all these deep thoughts swirling around, and i am trying desperately to grab hold of any one of them, and wrap my mind around it, and think about it in order to have some sort of revelation or at least somehow progress in my thinking. but they're moving too fast and i find it very hard to do and i can discuss and have little mini-revelations, but when i walk out the door it all vanishes. is this normal? my only hope is that, somehow, this process of stimulation will catapult me into a more constant state of thinking, and that will help a little bit. am i making any sense? can anyone relate? i didn't think so. i'm just that odd.

all that said, i was waiting in yoder's room, and no one was there, so i decided to start reading mere christianity for the fun of it. i looked at the chapter selection, and decided the chapter on christian marriage sounded appropriate. i found this there and it blew me away:

"People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on 'being in love' for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change - not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the RAF and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to subit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and becomes a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.

This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go - let it die away - go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow - and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy."

im not sure how or why that struck such a chord with me, but there you have it.

but of course, in telling you i'm ready to get out of here, i am by no means saying i dont want to hang out with you and make the most of these days.

there's more.

cynicism is tiresome. i've been thinking it for a while, and david brought it to my attention again this morning. critical thinking is a must. but finding that line between a critical mind and a critical spirit is a lifelong chore, and doing so is, i think, a necessity for a life of joy.

erica and i are coming to realize we have awkward pockets of friends. it's going to be an odd hodge-podge of kids at the wedding. so if you're planning on attending, bring your extra-social side and let's party like one big group of friends. but honestly, it wouldnt be MY wedding if it weren't at least a little bit awkward, right?

and for the record, my harsh response to jamin a couple of posts down was only what i thought was fitting and had no malicious intent. sorry, jamin.

i tried to make a joke in the breakfast line this morning. "i'll have some tater-tots, please....although, i guess they're called hash browns at breakfast, huh?" he didn't get it.

it's been a productive day so far, but i just came to the ETC to make copies of my application packets and the girl who is working kinda grates my nerves and i'm gonna need her help and i don't think i can bring myself to do it.

you may have come to think, as i have, that things were gonna be smooth sailing from here on out for us. but the truth is, i'm beginning to think they'll be harder than ever. sure, in the general realm of life, time is flying by. (here it is, another month passed, and my job applications are still sitting on my desk. how?!?) but in the realm of fianceeship, these next seven weeks could very likely pass as slowly as the previous six and a half years.

but i guess in all reality, those past six and a half years flew. there are just some days that are longer than others.

and while we're at it i might as well say i'm ready to get out of here. not excited, not sad, not sentimental, not bitter, just ready. i'd like to be one or all of those things, if only for the sake of feeling something, anything. but maybe all of life is just getting the best of me right now. and if i had to guess, this won't change a whole lot before may 21st. so if i'm a jerk, or if i don't make a big deal out of doing things for the last time, or whatever else, bear with me and don't take it personally.

i'm slowly realizing that the week of june 12th is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. i'm going to have a college degree in my hand and a wife by my side and i won't know how in the world it all happened.

and all that said, i think the most tragic thing we humans do is wishing away our days. when will we learn to fully appreciate the gift of each passing moment?

mwy at iwu was fun-fest-99. the only thing that wouldve made it even more so is nate su, wes, kyle, and the song carousels or whatever it's called.

i had so much more brewing for this post and it has all vanished.

it was a rough start.

a little late than i was hoping for, but still reasonably on schedule. my lack of muncie geography smarts put me way off the mark and in the end, to my knowledge, only 15 minutes late. the kind old man whom i would later spend time with informed me that things had already started and i may have been too late. i explained my situation as we rushed to the room. we were 2 minutes into the test, but they let it slide (which i'm pretty sure was illegal, but i'll definitely let it slide as well). so with sweaty palms and a rapid heartbeat, i opened the test booklet and got started. this science test could go either way. i felt like i was making educated guesses, but there were definitely quite a few things taylor hadn't prepared me for. and as i finished up, i looked at my admission ticket to notice that the morning's report time was actually 15 minutes earlier than i had thought, making me a half hour late, which increased the magnitude of the proctors' kindness. wow.

the math test was easy. it is very likely that i got a perfect score, and i say that not out of arrogance but out of confidence.

i was the only person taking a third test, so i was allowed to decide when to start it. the 74-or-so year old guidance counselor named berlin chatted with me as i finished my pretzels and lemonade before the test. we talked of how things have changed and where things have gone wrong and what our plans for the future were. it was a beautiful picture, really. the only two people left in the building: a man 5 weeks away from ending his career and a boy 5 weeks away from starting his career. i enjoyed my time with him.

the last test was fairly easy, although i was feeling a little sick and drained and dont think it was my optimal performance. but since i was the only person taking it, i got to leave a lot earlier than i was expecting, which was also a pleasure.

i stopped by jared's new house which will be a record store come summer months. it's a diamond in the rough and i hope his dreams come true, because if anyone deserves it, he does. there's frat houses across the street, complete with bare-chested-guitar-playing-beer-drinking abercrombie models hanging out on the front lawn with their bathing suit wearing girlfriends. i could have watched them all day; it was perfect and hilarious.

and on the way home i crossed mile 202,202, which is the first palendrome number i've seen on the odometer since 1,100 miles earlier.

and if all this isn't good enough, i'm about to leave to see mewithoutyou, for free, outside. it's a beautiful day after all.

class outside is a good way to end the week - as good as cancelled class.

tomorrow is my day of three praxis tests. i'll leave the apartment at 7:15ish and probably won't return until late afternoon. it's six hours of testing in all. if you happen to talk with the good lord tomorrow, feel free to remind him that i could use some help.

enjoy your weekend. find ways to love your life.

this morning, i was reminded of god's grace in a way i haven't been lately. and it was much needed.

and i was glad to be reminded that god takes great pleasure in the people who are struggling to figure him out, just as much (or more?) as he does those who have already figured him out. (and we in the former are desperately hoping those in the latter are fooling themselves.)

the latest update: the bethlehem apartment is a go.
next big project: finding cheap honeymoon airfare.

now i know where everyone was tonight...holy moly this library's packed!

liz janes was oddly maternal (which is a good thing, in my mind), but with the vocal stylings of a sometimes bratty sometimes sweet younger sister. she was sassy yet classy. and nothing beats "come thou fount" on the ukelele.

vollmar was the sound of the shy awkward high school nerd you never talked to who skipped the after school hangouts and the football games and the proms to be locked up inside his bedroom instead, and everyone said, "hey, what's with this kid? what's he do in his room all day and all night?!?" and then one day he whips out his secret band that he's been hiding and plays beautiful shy and awkward and really gorgeous music and you're left stunned and say to yourself, "how did we not know? why have you kept this a secret all this time?" and all you want to do is give him a really big hug afterwards like a teary-eyed proud parent and tell him how cool he is and hang out with him for the rest of your life, or at least listen to the records he's been secretly recording all these years.

and half-handed cloud is the secret life of rock-and-roll stardom you've always had a hunch your quirky sunday school teacher was living. it's the sound of joy, the sound of a stupid sheep doing his best to love the shepherd with humble bleats and baahs.

and it's a shame less than 50 people on campus experienced it, but even if more people showed up, i have a feeling only less than 50 people would have understood and enjoyed it.

i think god was pleased with our chapel this morning. i had my doubts at the start, but it ended up well. it needed to be said and heard. and it wasnt even martin luther king day! and it was well received, too! this was taylor history in the making, i think.

i am slowly discovering the genius and joy that is NPR. as i was driving home this afternoon, the NPR microphones accompanied a middle-aged manhattan artist as she went to mcdonald's for the first time in her life. she wasn't impressed, but she was very kind and polite about it. it was great.

i just overheard a girl in the ETC use the phrase "pleased to meet you." it was much more pleasant sounding than "good to meet you" or "nice to meet you." i might have to start trying it out. "nice" is such a terrible word anyway.

i just proofread that paragraph...good thing i did, because i orignally said "nicer sounding" instead of "more pleasant sounding." how embarrassing would THAT have been?

david and i were just discussing the issue of paying for prints in the computer labs. we decided it would be effective to post signs that read:

"PAY FOR YOUR PRINTS OR WE'LL TELL YOUR ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER."

cancelled class is always a good way to end a week.

today our health prof described overweight people as "those having a protruding abdomen." to be perfectly honest, i wasn't sure what exactly she was talking about until she said, "SOME people like to label them as fat, but, we try to stay away from labels..."

chapel was pretty good. the guy was kind of a cheeseball and i'm not completely sure i bought everything he said, but his thoughts were interesting and good and likeable ones. and taylor could use some art criticism in chapel, and anyone who provides this is ok in my book, especially when projections of the works of jackson pollock are involved. i think you would've been pleased, joanna.

last night i wrote my wedding vows. it was a really interesting experience. everyone should do this once (and preferably only once) in their life. it's pretty serious stuff when you sit down to write vows, probably a lot more serious than i realize right now. people don't take vows (of all types, not just the wedding variety) seriously anymore these days, and i think it's the cause of a lot more problems than we realize.

the fellowship of the anti-burning hearts had its kickoff meeting this morning, and i think it's going to bring good things...a good friend 3 and a half years late (better than never), if nothing else.

the weather's been great, and as if it couldn't get any better, we're going to get the best of both worlds with the thunderstorm that's rolling in right now. if conditions are right, maybe we'll have the sufjan stevens lightning storm porch party 2005 tonight.

solomon's got his us citizenship, and he's a happy man, running all over reade giving high fives to everyone like only he can do.

my history test went pretty well. it went so well yesterday, in fact, that i was so relieved, and completely forgot i had another class right after that. i got home and thought to myself, "that's odd, i'm never home at 2:30 on tuesdays..." and it clicked. i felt awfully foolish, but what can i say? i've got a lot on my mind these days.

back at school. it's the homestretch. it's weird to think about, so i'm trying not to.

no one could ask for more beautiful days than the 2 we've had here. i've tried to capture the essence of spring on paper before, as many artists have, but nothing compares to that first day when spring arrives and you know it's here to stay. although, in indiana, you're never really quite sure if it's here to stay or not.

i have a history test in 20 minutes. it spans 100 years and 300 pages in the text. and for some reason i'm really not all that nervous about it. i received the worst test grade of my college career yesterday, but that was right after receiving one of the best test grades of my college career in another class. my life's an academic rollercoaster. (i don't know what that meant, either.)

things are beyond crazy right now, and i'm hoping that god will give me the grace to master the skill of time management in my last 7 weeks of school. i haven't mastered it in the 141 or so previous weeks of college, but maybe something will change this week.

ready? set? go.

today, erica and i turned down a side street and passed the lutheran church just as the alcoholics anonymous meeting was letting out. it was somewhat odd to match faces with the phenomenon as we quickly drove by. some looked like you may have come to expect. others were more surprising: an old woman, a husband and wife, a business man. all walks of life, conversing as they parted ways. you could almost see the burdens they were carrying on their shoulders, but you could also see in their eyes the support they were offering each other, the care they had for one another. there was hope. it was a beautiful picture of dependence, and it made me wonder why dependence has become a negative word in our country. i think a lot of our churches could use a little more dependence, on each other, and on our heavenly father. what are we so afraid of? why are we afraid of authenticity? it is ironic, i suppose, that in the case of these AA goers, dependence on a substance brings dependence on a neighbor and friend. but perhaps it's more a picture of redemption than of irony, a picture of beauty coming out of and from the depths of despair. i guess it isn't seen as redemption, though; it is seen as weakness, and that is why dependence is viewed as negative. while dependence on a substance is negative, i think dependence on a brother and friend is overwhelmingly positive, but many see no difference. dependence in any sense of the word is weakness, and weakness is vulnerability, and vulnerability is a bad thing. so maybe pride has a little something to do with it all.

in my mind, i saw brennan manning walking out with those folks, and i smiled and was thankful.

on different notes, tonight i went to wes's show. i felt weird there, especially knowing that it is not out of the realm of possibility for me to be teaching some of those same emo-hardcore-hipster-kids in the classroom next year. i think i was the oldest person there, and i felt like everyone was staring at me the entire night. it was strange. but anyway, wes's band, down down berlin, is doing some beautiful things, but unfortunately, i think they are playing for the wrong crowd. i am very impressed though. there's great potential. the buttons sold, but not as quickly as we had expected or hoped. again, we're selling to the wrong crowd. kids want buttons with stars and skulls and hip band names, not tricycles or VW bugs or other cool pictures.

and here it is, friday already. it never gets any easier to believe. two and a half days and i'll be on my way back to the midwest. erica and i are so very much looking forward to this goodbye, because it is the last one - ever! do you have any idea the meaning of this for us? five long years of tear-filled goodbyes and i'll-see-you-ins and soon-enoughs and so-on-and-so-forths, and after sunday? never again!

yes, this break has flown by, and i have not accomplished near the amount of what i wanted to. but i have grown in love for this woman and in wonder of the privilege and beauty of marriage, which has been rather amazing. and to be sure, this is only the beginning.

last night's french cafe surprise bridal shower was a complete success. nobody thought she would buy my "let's go play dodgeball at the church" story, but i knew it would be perfect. mildred (a woman who, i think, was around for the founding of coopersburg, and perhaps even helped, and who is most likely our biggest fan) had a front row seat. when she gave us a beautiful amber depression-glass plate, she told us she had bought it with us in mind 2 or 3 years ago. she knew we would marry before we did! and she gave it to us in a "merry christmas from sears and roebuck co." box that looked like it was from the 20's. she may have been embarrassed seeing that box next to all the fancy white and gold and silver and what-have-you, but that silly little box was just my style and probably my favorite part of the whole evening, besides the waterproof-cd-player-for-the-shower someone got us.

but enough mooshy-goosh. wes and i are making a very impressive line of button sets that we will sell at tonight's show. roll your eyes all you'd like, but these are no hip and trendy emo kid buttons, these are high-quality aesthetically pleasing works of art, and there is no doubt in my mind that you'd be impressed, and maybe even be interested in purchasing some. perhaps i could take some pictures of them? there is the tricycle set, the VW bug set, the electrical outlet set, the hollow-body guitar set, the rubber-ducky set, and we could go on but you get the idea.

but enough of all this for now, there are places to run to and people to meet with and things to get done.