ok, so i've been in this strange house all by myself for about 4 hours. i dont have a car here, so i have nowhere to go. ive spent my time grading papers and surfing the internet. it's going nowhere fast.

something tells me i've visited one too many myspace profiles, as i am feeling incredibly unpopular, out of the loop, ignored. a feeling has come over me, one that is all too familiar but one that i've forgotten over the years. for the first time since maybe high school i feel terribly alone..uncool..friendless..not that i haven't felt that way since high school, but i've learned not to care. its the feeling that makes me want a new wardrobe, a funny and outgoing personality, or just friends in general, or the things that supposedly get friends for you.

while i'm feeling this way today, i'm glad it doesnt happen as often as it used to. those were dark days. life's a lot easier when you do your best to be a friend and you dont care what anyone else thinks (or doesnt think) about you.

what's funny, i guess, is that i'm sure a lot of these popular myspace kiddies feel the same way im feeling a lot of the time, regardless of how many "friends" they have.

we're all so desperate for attention, arent we?

and maybe what it comes down to is that this wasnt the thanksgiving break i had hoped for.

erica and i are housesitting for the weekend. that means we have two things we dont normally have: internet and tv. it did not take long to remind us why we dont have them, as i very quickly started surfing the internet and ignoring erica, and erica very quickly started watching shows such as "90210 doctor" (complete with labia reduction surgery, sex change operations, and even an anal bleaching).

we have pets, too. delanee is a fat dog who has to pee every hour. the two cats are very old, and one pees wherever it pleases.

the food selection is slim. erica's out with a friend for lunch, so i found some eggs to eat. they were cage-free eggs, and i felt very guilty eating 3 of them. they seem so much more expensive and special, not meant to be eaten so freely. but they were my only option.

i was hoping to finally put some pictures on here, but the computer is so old it doesnt have a USB drive for me to transfer them. and as i pulled the computer out to look for a USB drive, something happened to the color in the monitor and it gave everything a deep bluish green tint. i hit it in just the right spot shortly thereafter, restoring its normal color, but as i pushed the computer back to its original spot, it happened again. we're gonna have to figure out how to fix that before leaving.

yes, so erica is out and i had high hopes of getting much schoolwork done. HA! i've successfully wasted an hour between cooking and the internet.

it's thanksgiving 2005, and there are plenty of things to be thankful for:

- a wife. erica's the best thing that has happened to me in 2005, that's for sure. (i guess i'm supposed to say she's the best thing that has EVER happened to me. that's true, too.) it's been 6 months and i still haven't realized i have a wife, i don't think. but having a friend around every night has been the only thing that's gotten me through the rest of life. it's been a wonderful thing.

- a job. let's face it: a job is a job and it's pretty much a needed thing. so i'm thankful. but what's more, i am thankful i've made it through 4 months of my first year of teaching, and i am thankful for the growth it is bringing.

- little kids at the thanksgiving eve service. one little boy last night stood up and said the following, completely dead pan: "hello. i'm thankful for my little brother, philip. he's not here right now. i guess because he was crying. he tends to cry a lot. sometimes i am able to cheer him up, but not always. and sometimes my dad comes home from work with enough energy left to wrestle with me. we roll around on the floor and then my mom tries to break it up. she's always on the 'against the fighting' side of things." he said a few more random things, none of which really had anything to do with being thankful, and then abruptly sat down with no prior warning and handed the microphone to his dad. you probably had to be there, but it was unbelieveably funny.

- friends. the amount of support i've received in this job, the number of people who have told me they are praying for me, is simply incredible. it's quite humbling. besides that, friends are nice, as they usually make the transition to adulthood a little less painful.

- aldo, roni, mary carmen and their 4 adorable kids. this family arrived at our little thanksgiving meal at the church today. they are from mexico (roni, mary carmen, and the kids arrived in the area at 1AM this morning), and with me being the person who knew the most spanish at the church, i was recruited to talk with them. it was wonderful. they were beautiful people and they made me smile. it's always great when these worlds collide, when a different culture stumbles its way into little ol' coopersburg. which brings me to my next point, which i mentioned earlier:

- what i was doing last thanksgiving. what i would do to make that drive in the back of a pickup truck again on the most beautiful day imaginable. what i would do to once again stand on the back of a jeep holding on for dear life and ride back into town, laughing the entire way of the mess of a hike we had just made.

- family. it's nice to all be in one spot. and that little logan gets cuter every day it hurts.

- the book of romans.

- village green records and jared cheek, a man with so much generosity it'll drive him to bankruptcy.

- bethlehem. it's a nice town.

- giggling.

- my mom's stuffing.

- the people who have visited us at 1616 maple. (and the people who haven't visited us, too, of course.)

- a few other things, too, that have since escaped me.

have a happy day.

school is out for thanksgiving break and there is a sense of relief in the air. i was in a good mood today, and the kids noticed, and there was very little that could steal it from me. it felt good. the doors were opened at 3:00 and the kids were herded out and every teacher had a smile on his or her face.

making it thus far i realize is no small feat. it is one thing i am most thankful for this thanksgiving.

the air outside is blustery and it feels like early december. i am excited for winter to arrive, but i think it is only because i'm excited about anything and everything today.

this thanksgiving i am also thankful for what i did last thanksgiving. it's been on my mind. going on a mess of a hike in the andes, eating very little, hitchhiking back to the city in the bed of a pickup truck, and eating chicken and rice at la cocina de don jose. it was good to skip a year of turkey, i think, and i am hoping that neville and mauldin and ben and all my other overseas friends experience the same sort of holiday i did, rather than being homesick.

i finally watched a very long engagement last night. it was very difficult to follow, but it was beautiful and heartwarming and lovely. erica doesn't like war movies, so i watched it alone and then showed her all the mushy parts. she enjoyed the annotated version. it was beautiful.

i'm running out of time at the library. remind me to put pictures up sometime! i hope you are well. give me a call over the break, or come over and say hello.

here is a small rough part of the things i was thinking about suffering and rejoicing and how they relate:

What does it mean to rejoice? Travis's definition was this: "to remind yourself of the faith you have in a God that is good." I'd say that's a decent definition.

Paul was a pretty intelligent fellow who was quite the linguist. I doubt he meant anything flowery whenever he used the word rejoice. I don't think he necessarily meant to be happy. I don't think he meant to smile. I don't think he meant for us to greet suffering with great enthusiasm. "Hooray! My job sucks! Let's celebrate!" No, it's not that easy; it's not that trite.

And that's where Christians get it wrong a lot of the time, I think. We don't understand what joy is or what rejoicing means. We think we have to be happy-go-lucky all the time, with a permanent smile plastered on our faces. We think mood-swings are off limits or from the devil. I think there is a large continuum of emotions that can be included inside of joy. I can be pissed off at my circumstances and still be glad (perhaps hopeful is the word?) because Christ died for me and he offers me a whole slew of promises and blessings.

What does rejoice mean, particularly when we're talking about doing so in the midst of suffering? It's reminding ourselves of the faith and hope we have in a God that is good. And this brings a solemn sense hopefulness; not necessarily a smile or a happy dance, but a sense of inner peace and the strength to keep going. So this
self-reminder of our faith and hope makes an important distinction: are we rejoicing about the suffering or the outcome it will bring? I think it's the latter. We don't have to be happy about our crappy job or the death or the sickness or the pain or whatever else it is. Rather, we can be thankful that God is in control, he has ordained it, and it is causing growth in our life and/or in the lives of those
around us. The suffering is causing his all-sufficient grace to be even more visible to us and to those around us. These are the things we're rejoicing about, and I think it's possible and ok to be upset about what we're going through and still be rejoicing about those things. But the more we focus on the hope, the less we'll be upset about the suffering, the easier or more tolerable it will all
become, and maybe that's the key.

It's the outcome that gives us a reason to rejoice. Sometimes the outcomes aren't immediately known, but if our God is a good God, we know at least that the outcomes will be good. And let's also remember that "good" might not necessarily be "good" in our perspective or understanding. We're rejoicing that a good sovereign God has an outcome in mind for us that fits into his good sovereign plan.

The word rejoice, I think, is so multi-faceted and deep-layered. It's a heck of a lot more than being happy. And I think it's much more internal than it is external. It's more a sense of inner peace than a bubbly exuberance. I think it's a word we'll never be able to put into words or fully comprehend.

So is it possible to rejoice in our sufferings?

I would say no, it's not humanly possible. Rather, it's the work of the Holy Spirit inside us. It is only possible to rejoice when we are keeping in step with the Spirit, when he is supplying us with that faith and hope and peace. When we surrender ourselves to the Spirit and allow him to work in our hearts, only then does it become possible to rejoice in our sufferings.

This is something I don't think Christians really understand (myself included). We know the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindess, and so on. But what happens when we feel unloving, grumpy, upset, impatient? I think all too often, we try on our own strength to be loving, happy, etc. We do our best to be nice to people and we insist evething is ok and that we're doing great. And then, as we've seen happen plenty of times, we end up with a lot of fake Christians on our hands; the juicy apples that bring satisfaction are replaced by the wax apples that just sit on the table and look nice. We want the fruit of the Spirit to be true and evident in our lives, but when it doesn't happen, we try to make it happen on our own, and we end up being a bunch of fakers. The fruit of the Spirit only comes, and only comes authentically, when we surrender ourselves to the Spirit. How exactly do we do that? I'm not sure, but I think it can start with being authentic and admitting when we don't feel loving or joyful both to those around us and also to God, and I think it can continue by asking the Spirit for help and by fellowshipping with Christ (which, as we've learned, is no easy, concrete task).

So, all that to say, I think the ability to rejoice is not something we can or should try to muster up on our own. Otherwise, we'll be a bunch of fake rejoicers, and we'll still lay in bed at night mad at God.

And I don't know about you, but I've seen plenty of fake rejoicers in my day. I think of the business man with a family to support who lost his lucrative job without any prior notice but walked around with a smile saying, "Yep, I'm out of a job, but it's ok! God's gonna provide and I'm really learning from it all and everything's going to be just fine!" I think, in the privacy of his own home, he was
crapping his pants and wrestling with God, wondering how this could happen to him and wondering where he was going to get the money for his hefty mortgage and car payments and so on and so forth. I think maybe true rejoicing admits the crappiness of the suffering. Even Christ was pretty upset with the way things were going down right before he was crucified. Even Christ begged God to end the suffering, and yet, he knew the plan and was able to rejoice because of it. He was able to rejoice, but I don't think he was smiling while he was hanging on the cross. He wasn't happy, but rather he was mindful of the outcome it would bring.

there is so much to say, but when you only have the opportunity once every two weeks to say it, it gets so laborious.

turns out i clicked something that didn't allow you to post your comments at all. it's fixed.

i'm learning and growing. starting with last weekend, my mind has been turning over thoughts on suffering and rejoicing and related topics. it continued this sunday, and i think i'm going to quit my job and dedicate my life to studying the topic further. and instead of writing a book, i'll just write it all right here.

no but seriously, last monday i took the time to sit down and write out my thoughts on what it means to rejoice in our sufferings. over the course of the week those thoughts were challenged and this morning they were expanded. there's a lot ot think about, i guess.

yoder came last weekend and it was bliss.

this week is thanksgiving and that will be bliss.

erica and i counted the number of people who have slept over in our 6 months of marriage. i think it's somewhere around 18 or 19. we'd love to add you to the tally. in the words of christina aguilera, come on over, come on over bay-bay-hay.

oh, and i wanted to tell you about this.

i caught some of my kids exploring a website called "gizoogle" during math class. i scolded them, but on my own time, my curiousity got the best of me, and i explored the site myself and found it to be quite hilarious.

you can enter in a website address, and it translates the site into gangsta talk. it makes me laugh.

so, if you can tolerate the occasional profanity, feel free to explore: gizoogle.

and for your enjoyment, here is my taylor blizzog: shizorb.

i think i've added a feature which will make it more annoying for you when you post a comment, but it will hopefully get rid of all the spam comments. if any of you were actually interested in real estate or wheelchair orgasms, i apologize.

there is much to say, as always, but now that i have the chance to post, it is all escaping me.

we had a killer halloween party the other weekend, and i've been meaning to post pictures but never have the chance. at one point in time there were 24 people packed into the apartment. the party lasted til 1:30 AM, and the noise levels were quite loud. we had a pillow catch on fire and a couch leg break. all of this was without the influence of alcohol. the costumes were amazing, and i think this most definitely will become an annual affair. so, start planning your costume for next year.

chalupa and liz came to visit on friday night. erica and i are rather boring hosts, and though we didn't do much of anything interesting, it was pretty exciting to have them here. i made bread in our breadmaker for the first time ever, but i accidentally put in twice the amount of required yeast, and i asked for light colored crusts, so we got a loaf of heavy, thick, yeasty, doughy bread, that actually wasn't too bad.

yesterday on a whim we traveled to philadelphia. it was a good day to travel. we visited rata and forced her to take a study break. we walked around penn's campus which was nice, but the campus is filled with frat houses and it was a saturday so things were starting to get interesting. erica and i were glad we went to college where we did, despite the nice physical setting.

school was ok this past week. things are getting worse and worse with one of my classes and they make me want to quit. one boy decided not to stay for my detention after telling me that it's my first year and i think i own the f-ing school. he got suspended for 3 days for that one. i found a packet of assignments laying on the floor and "I HATE YOU MR. SHORB" was written very largely on every page. another teacher found a ruler in her classroom that had some comments about me written on it, including some words you might find in a spam email. the asst. principal told me that i had finally arrived, and to let him know when i made the bathroom wall because then we would celebrate. oh, and f you has also been written rather largely on my desk. i am able to let all of this go rather easily, but trying to teach the kids who have these attitudes is what's getting a little tiresome.

the principal has sorted through preliminary pssa scores and has divided them by teacher. so now he knows that it's my classes who have the worst scores and i'm the one responsible. but can we really expect anything much different when we give the lowest kids and the kids still learning how to speak english to the first year teacher?

which brings me to my next point. i'm a teacher! a professional! when did that happen?!? a year ago my biggest responsibility was getting a D on my freshman level math final so that i could still get an A in the class with the least amount of effort possible. now all of a sudden i'm responsible for real-live kids and keeping in touch with their parents and reporting to the state and knowing how best to teach material and so on and so forth. i'm only 22 years young! what's wrong with this picture?!?

besides all of that, nothing else too interesting is happening. tomorrow i have a court appearance for the death of big red. should be exciting.

i think i'm learning stuff and growing a bit and things like that. i don't feel like expounding right now, but i am. so that's exciting.

come visit. happy autumn.