i will extol the lord at all times, but especially when he gives me the energy to work 10 hours straight until 4:30 in the morning and wakes me up three horus later and carries me through a presentation in front of my peers and gives me a weekend to relax afterwards.

the legendary dreaded nightmare of el ed is now just a memory of the past.

rock and roll.

i had heard bits and pieces of this song in the past, while flipping through the radio, and although i knew it was a redneck way of supporting the war, i didnt know much more than that. i was hoping to include it in my rock and roll unit (as one of many views in music about war) but after reading the lyrics i am so sick to my stomach that i dont want it anywhere remotely near a future classroom of mine. what in the world would possess a man to write lyrics like that. i've heard he's written worse, too...i don't even want to know.

he was, he was in the churchyard
my father was in the first part
he came, he came to my bedroom
but i was asleep
and he woke me up again to say
"hallelujah! holy is the sound!'
i hope, i hope you are tired out
i know, i know there is joy, doubt
and i was asleep
and he woke me up again
and he woke me up again to say
"hold on to your old ways
or put off, put off every old face."
i know, i know you are changed out
and i hope, i hope you're arranged out
and i'm still asleep,
and you woke me up again,
and i'm still asleep,
and you woke me up to be holy
(-sufjan)

the hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. the night is nearly over; the day is almost here. so let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. clothe yourselves with the lord jesus christ.
(-paul)

- if you don't want to read all this, the last little "-" is the most important, so read that.
- as you may have read elsewhere, erica showed up saturday morning to surprise me and boy was i surprised. it was a quick visit but it was just what i needed and we enjoyed our time together. it was pretty great.
- the unit is coming along...29 lessons down, 21 to go. look for the rocking and rolling bulletin board in the hallway of reade over the next few days. if things go as planned, it's gonna look niiiiiiice.
- we visited fort wayne today and i showed erica the j-term stomping grounds. i really miss it up there. i wouldnt really want to go to taylor fort wayne, but the setting is sooo great and i wish i was there. apparently spring has hit ft wayne faster than upland, because lots of people's grass was really super high and some people were mowing it and it looked like a pretty big mess to mow with it being so high. it's a beautiful time of year, though, with the trees blooming and the grass green and growing and the parks in ft wayne are beautiful with lots of flowery blooming trees that smell good and even thought it's the city you can tell it's spring time and it looked really nice. was that a run-on sentence?
- we stopped by the jumping bean tonight to get erica and erin some caffeine before they left for home. i must say, although the drink was good, i'm not impressed with the new management. the tall cups are a bit skimpy (or maybe it's just the cheap cups that make them look skimpy and generally unimpressive), and if im not mistaken, the prices are up. if luke abernathy is reading this, i'll be a little embarrassed. i promise the drink was delicious but i'm a cheapskate and want a little bit more for a little bit less. that's all. anyway, i drank a mocha frappe and now i'm still wide awake. it has allowed me to get a bit done on my unit, but really must get some sleep more than anything to start off this week.
- erica and i had some good talk with neville about youth conference and whatnot. he was frustrated with the weekend's speaker, and with typical youth conference type speakers in general, and i wholeheartedly agree.
high school is no doubt a critical time but perhaps youth ministers get a little overzealous about protecting their kids or something...i'm sure they mean well but it turns into a step-by-step rule-by-rule formula of not drinking, not smoking, not having sex, and not even thinking about testing the limits in any one of those high-school-poster-sins. and we have these big conferences that turn into guilt-fests telling high schoolers that if they want to grow closer to god and be "on fire" for him they have to do this and this and this and not do this or this or this. they are convicted at the sessions, as it is so easy to do, they make some commitments that they naively think they can keep, and when they return home and mess up they feel all the more guilty and wonder where they went wrong and get so frustrated because they can't keep the fire lit.
the other thing is how formulaic these conferences get in a similar sense. the first night is a bunch of funny stories to get their attention. the next morning you ease them into the topics. saturday night you "really hit them hard" and you meet with the leaders to let them know what's gonna happen and how to handle it. it's really gonna change lives. then sunday morning is the somber "last-night-wore-me-out-so-where-do-we-go-from-here-and-how-do-we-keep-the-fire-burning?" morning.
please hear me when i say im sure these leaders and ministers have the best of intentions and praise god for it...BUT
where is the grace in all of this? arent we preaching the wrong message? neville thought it was ironic that the speaker closed one of his talks (about all the rules to follow) by saying "it's not about rules it's about a relationship" which pretty much contradicted what he was saying. we also mentioned how most teenagers say they dont want to get involved in christianity because it's just a bunch of rules. how telling.
and i know i went through this. boy did i ever. and i thought i knew what was going on but i soooo didnt. and i read the raggamuffin gospel freshman year, god was trying to wake me up to his grace, and i wasnt even ready for it then cuz this was so ingrained in my thinking...i rejected manning's book thinking "this guy is a little too liberal for me...what about following god's rules? sure, there's grace, but that doesnt mean you can do whatever you want...." i wasnt getting it...what it really meant. finally when i read the book again (last summer?) my life was changed and i finally understood what i was missing.
so why do we approach it like this?
are younger christians not ready to handle these truths? can they not think about these topics yet? the young kids need to learn the stories and how to be good little boys and girls and they can lean on their parents' faith in the process. the teenagers start establishing their own faith but they need to learn about following rules so they dont mess up their lives. then when you get to college you can start thinking about things and finding out the truths behind it all.
if we MUST preach the formulaic rules, can we at least give the teenagers reasoning behind the rules? "because the bible says so" is a start...but why not explain it so that it makes sense? so that teenagers realize the damage in some cases and DON'T want to do it. surely there is more reasoning behind god's law than the mere words on the pages. can we explain it? let them think?
i feel like we give our culture to much credit...we are underrating the abilities of our teenagers...we assume our culture has given them low attention spans and finite minds and we can only communicate through crazy games and funny stories and fast paced watered down messages and we have to lay things out black and white for them. im not sure if that's true.
teenagers can be smart kids. even if they arent being challenged to think in school or by the culture, why not challenge them to think in the church? but surely they are smarter than what we give them credit for...why not present things to them intelligently...let them wrestle with things a bit?
i just feel like things would radically change if we taught grace from the beginning. isn't that's how it's supposed to be?

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment--to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession--to the praise of his glory. " eph1

YES! YESYESYES! THIS IS WHO YOU ARE IN HIM! yes, you ARE a failure who cannot resist temptation, but that is not what he sees you as! and if anything makes you want to not drink, smoke, or have sex, it is THIS!

whew. sorry. thanks.

this makes me want to be a youth pastor.

i think i may have sounded like a pretty big idiot on those previous entries...please disregard.

...maybe it's not so much of a pride thing as it is the fact that we've been so deeply conditioned by our culture...our churches and our families and more...it goes against everything we've ever been taught and that just makes it hard to swallow. not hard to swallow as in hard to believe, just difficult to accept and put into practice. i dont know.
some of us had lunch with mr. stackhouse today and it was pretty great. he had some good things to say about a variety of topics and that was pleasant.
read the taylor blog for the bad news.

john stackhouse is a very smart man who has been here the past few days speaking on feminism/egalitarianism.
i have absolutely no idea where i stand, so that's not what this post will be about.
it is such a heated topic filled with pride...men are so prideful they are unwilling to listen and even give it some thought, and i admit i fall into this camp many times. women are so prideful they are unwilling to accept anything less...and probably rightly so. and unfortunately, the majority of taylor students chose to miss out (physically but moreso mentally) on stackhouse's lectures...when a topic that wants to be dismissed is made easy to dismiss it will most definitely be dismissed. unfortunately, stackhouse made the topic easy to dismiss in his less-than-stellar display of public speaking, and a logic that could've been understood with some careful discipline, but easily went over your head if not prepared. so, the majority of students dismissed it and im not sure if it did any good...at least, any good in the minds of people it needed to do good in.
im not sure what the purpose of this entry is. i guess i'm just burdened with the enormous amount of pride that comes along with both sides, and the enormous breakthrough that must happen in the minds of men in order for them to back down and accept what is being presented. that's something women need to be a tiny bit more understanding of.
i do appreciate, though, that it was a man speaking on feminism. the world needs more men speaking out on feminism, more whites speaking out on racism, etc. that's the first step in making those breakthroughs...the people on the positive side of things who have nothing to really gain (except the fruitfulness to come later) speaking to those also on the positive side of things on the behalf of those on the negative side of things. not sure where i was going with that, but you know what i mean. maybe. whatever.
this was meant to be a little more intellectual than it's turning out to be. sorry for the scatter-brained mess.
have a good day.

tornado warning today, but no tornado. spent an hour in the basement for nothing. nothing exciting ever happens around here.
my computer decided to give me a scare and make believe it threw away over an hour's worth of work on my thematic unit. but i restarted it and it gave all the work back. whew.
15 lessons down, 35 lessons to go.

whoops...
so everyone knows that when you pick up the phone, say hello, and there's no answer, and then you hear the other side pick up after you say hello, it's a telemarketer, right?
well, i know that, anyway...and whenever it happens i immediately put on my annoyed attitude and start treating the other end pretty poorly.
so the phone rings.
i turn down my music a little bit.
i answer the phone with a "hello?"
and i hear the little delayed pick up noise...
so i don't say hello again...i just wait and make that dirty little telemarketer really uncomfortable, not knowing if there's someone on the other end or not.
well, after probably 30 seconds or so of my music playing in the background, and a little bit of typing what i was working on at the moment, i finally hear a "hello?"
and i recognize the voice.
it's kyle's dad.
boy was that ever awkward.

uggghhhh...not a good start to these 2 weeks.

every single night, without fail, i wonder where the time went.

- on friday my coffee maker set off the smoke alarm in my room. it was one of the most nerveracking experiences i can remember...my heart was beating and my legs went to jello...it took a good hour or two of sitting in class to fully recover. i was just thankful the entire building wasnt evacuated.
- nostalgia night was a success on thursday night and i've been receiving way too much attention for it...it's not good for me. it was a really fun time though and i loved it. it was extremely reminiscient of the beatles and iron cobra performing at the southern lehigh talent show. good memories.
- this weekend i traveled up to huntington for a student teaching overseas seminar. the setting was a mix of a high school youth group retreat (hyper kids staying up late and girls and guys playing it cool with each other trying to hook up) and a new student summer orientation (not knowing anyone feeling incredibly awkward antisocial and ultimately going unnoticed and left out), and therefore i didnt really enjoy it. the information was good but it was too much and too long and hard for pretty much everyone to take in (meaning, mostly, it was hard to stay awake and/or pay attention). if nothing else, it was nice to relax by myself and get 2 nights full of good sleep to start off the next two hellish weeks.
- the thematic unit is due in 12 days and i have yet to begin. the bulletin board is due up on the 10th day. last year, upon hearing from juniors who had procrastinated and were complaining, i swore to myself that i would start working on it as early as possible. that fell through, i guess. but now i will at least do my best to not complain about all the work i have, knowing that i brought it upon myself. those people always complained like it wasnt their fault that they didnt start writing 50 lesson plans until the night before they were due. anyway, there are 2 tests and a take-home essay mixed in with these weeks as well, among other things. i'm hoping to plug away, and then it will all be over. taylathon, 2 weeks of easiness, finals, and hopefully making a documentary on third shift steak and shake workers with neville in there too. here's hoping.
- i found out today that my unit needs 15 children's books on my children's lit list. i have 1. if you know of any children's books on rock and roll or music in general, please let me know.
- the muffler is still unfixed. i dont really have the time in my schedule to get it fixed, but kinda need my car to run a lot of errands over the next two weeks. big red is tired, that's for sure. i've been working him way too hard.
- the weather is amazing and the trees are finally showing some long awaited green. spring rules all the other seasons, without a doubt.
- i called nate su and we chatted it up which was pleasant. i miss the kid and am hoping we can live in close proximity in the future and rock and roll every once in a while.
- much could be said, but i think we'll leave it at that for now. have good weeks.

"With his humility and subtlety, Stevens gets it right where so much of the "praise and worship" music out there gets it so very wrong so much of the time. Rather than make huge, sweeping theological statements and generic "feel-good" platitudes, Stevens' communicates things of the faith in very personal and intimate terms, drawing on darkness and sadness as much as wonder and triumph.

I know that others might listen to Seven Swans and not get any of this, aside from the explicit references to "Jesus" (but even then, they'll still end up with an album of gorgeous folk-pop). But many of the phrases and images that Stevens' employs have often moved me to contemplation and yes, even worship, be it the humble realization that closes "To Be Alone With You", the longing for the Messiah to come in "Abraham", or "The Transfiguration"'s jubilee. And as one who is often skeptical of the "W word" and the way it's often tossed around and cheapened within religious circles, that means a very great deal. "

-opuszine.com


YES. exactly.

today was the closest i've been to a full-fledged calvinist since the day i started thinking for myself. it just seemed a lot more clear...it made sense for the first time...
but we were reminded once again that if calvinists and arminians live what they believe, they'll be living the same the lives, pursuing the same goals.
so does it really matter?

listening to sufjan steven's seven swans and it is goooood. joyful and worshipful...beautiful art. come see him rock the union on the 26th.
listening also to pedro the lion's achilles heel. i'm not willing to admit it is the masterpiece of his career just yet, but i like a lot of the moves he made and i am enjoying it. anything he touches turns to gold.

sleep deprivation is a terrible terrible thing.

maybe what i was trying to say is that the age-old (vague) question of accountability "how are doing spiritually?" is actually asking "are you reading your bible and praying everyday?" and i'm not convinced the two should be synonymous.

the break was really wonderful. i giggled wayyy too much and it felt good. i got to show my friends off to my family and they approved, and i got to show off my family to my friends and they also approved. it was a fun time.
something is wrong with my car's muffler and that's a pain. one more thing to work on and take care of in the next few weeks.
work is staring me in the face now and the pressure is on. we'll see how i hold up. his week's a busy one with nostalgia night and i'm gone this weekend, so not a whole lot will be accomplished still this week.
feeling a little frustrated tonight. we've all been programmed and conditioned to think that scripture reading and prayer is the one and only sign of a healthy relationship with god. i'll agree it's the main way to have a growing relationship with god and it is incredibly important. but i think we often take that to the next level and decide that if we arent reading and praying we're not walking closely with god. maybe we arent? i dont know. its hard to explain what im thinking at the moment. i do know that in the past, the primary thing i've beaten myself up about (forgetting god's grace) is reading my bible and praying...where if i'm not doing either i think i'm on bad terms with god and he's pretty bummed with me until i finally start picking up and digging in again...i equate these things with being on good terms with god, and that's dangerous. i guess there's a fine line that i can't find and no matter where it's located i'm still gonna struggle with picking up my bible every day and consciously talking with god on a regular basis.
it has become one of those nights.

work has been difficult this week, and here's hoping it will come a little easier when we're back from the break.
news on the student teaching front: my first assignment will be in marion, which is a good thing. for my second, guatemala is out, we're working on honduras now.
we leave at 4:00 for the east coast. a little late, i realize. not looking forward to the long trip, especially making it in trunkless, cruisecontroless, musicless, big red.
definitely looking forward to PA and showing it off to neville and noah, though.

band of the day: the stills. thanks jamin/ben/joe.

i went to the prairie burning with neville and his brothers. we laughed a lot. i acted like an idiot. i took some polaroids that didnt turn out very well. the light switch thinger was accidently switched to dark, and the pictures came out reallllly dark. i love polaroids, but one thing goes wrong and there goes $1+ down the tubes.

say the following in a fast, jumbled, thick upland indiana drawl....if you have problems with that, just stuff your mouth full of cotton balls and speak from the throat:

"CMONKIDSITSTIMEFORAPRAIRIEBURNIN'!!!!!!"

im not a HUGE fan of godspeed you! black emperor. some it is better than the rest of it, some of it is overly pretentious and ineffective. you gotta be in the right mood and gotta be able to swallow some of the artsiness. that being said, "sleep" off of lift your skinny fists is GOOD. my favorite from what i've heard of them.

pet peeve of the day:
daylight savings and/or the lack thereof.

pet peeve of the day:
when you go to put your laundry in the dryer one of three washers never started so you decide to put your laundry in the dryer all at once later and 3 hours later you realize you never put it in the dryer and you have to stay up an extra hour until it's finished.

i endorse appleseed cast's "two conversations." it's recommended if you wanted to like the low level owl albums but just couldnt.
i want to like coheed and cambria, but i wish they could write shorter songs. i'm not a huge fan of the big sci-fi subplot thing, either. some people can pull off the concept album, but i feel like they're just doing it as a big gimmick trying too hard to be artsy fartsy, and all the emo kiddies are falling for it hard. but dont get me wrong, i like C&C all in all...just wish they did things a little differently.

its a gorgeous day and unfortunately i'm stuck behind the desk for the rest of the afternoon. hopefully i'll get some work done to make up for. lets not get our hopes up though.
i slept in until 12:00. there's nothing better. nothing.
i went to a little bit of the lacrosse game. that was a lot of fun. we were dominating eastern michigan university. i wish i couldve stayed for the rest, i really enjoy watching lacrosse, especially on beautiful days.
days like these make me wish erica was out here. we could meet up for lunch, hang out at the lacrosse game, and just find little things to do in the sun and relax and hang out with each other all day.
a kid just walked up from the basement with 8 cans of soda in his hands. he said he just looked at the soda machine and they all came spewing out. he didnt even buy one. some people have all the luck. he shared a mountain dew with me, though.
last night jared and i got together to record some stuff. the nights we do this never really turn out how we envision them in our heads. steve jones hates us and hes the only guy we know with enough musical talent to make the two of us look good...he turned us down so it was just me and jared. we did make one good song though, i played bass and jared played guitar and i got out the ol' saxophone and wailed on that for a little bit. it was fun to play the sax again and the song turned out pretty well.
have a good weekend.

i fell asleep in the arms of god last night....

...but i think he let go once i was sleeping, because that was one of the worst nights of sleep i've ever experienced.

today was a realllllly good day and it was just what i needed. i had alone time and i had other people time. people that i dont usually have time with either, which made it even nicer. was mentally engaged by a writer, laughed a lot while singing "so happy together," laughed a lot with erica. lots of laughing. lots of interaction. i dont know. it was nice.

going to sleep after a good day is always a good feeling. laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and having your brain whisper "today was a good day."

thanks god.



i just remembered i spilled coffee all over my jeans earlier. i'm gonna have to clean that up sometime.