In my mind, the most memorable thing said at the funeral I attended on Friday came from the boisterous, enthusiastic and noisy African American preacher. He spoke loudly and deliberately, with the heavy exhale of air in between sentences that ends up being an emphatic chuckle that shouts "Amen!" or asks "What do you think of that?"

"...We have sorrow coupled with joy! *heh* And that's the sort of thing that happens when you've got Jesus! *heh* It's a paradox, ya see!..."

I put a sticky-note on my desktop. Under the heading of "Tonight's Goals," I typed the following:

school-
make a brain
watch video
grade bodies of water quiz

home-
deposit checks
pay bills
work on budget

Compact Disc Center...?


...Guess which goal I accomplished first. Yep, the one with the question mark.

Discipline, Shorb, discipline...get with it you slacker.

But it was a long-awaited payday! That counts for something, doesn't it?!

Looking forward to checking out: The new Iron and Wine, the new Mum, BSS presents Kevin Drew...

Looking forward to picking up: Feist and old Joanna Newsom...

Somewhat skeptical of: The new Jose Gonzalez. I want to like the guy. I really do. But there's something about the same picky guitars and bland double-layered vocals song after song and album after album that kind of irks me.

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

The Pentecostals blame the world's problems on the devil: his demons, his schemes, his power over and possession of people. The Fundamentalists blame the world's problems on "the world" itself: the homosexuals, the abortionists, and all their sneaky agendas including the most innocent of cartoons and Disney movies. The Diehard Calvinists blame the world's problems on our flesh: our total depravity and continual struggle with sin.

A quick look at the opening verses of Ephesians 2 will tell us all three play their part in causing the evil we see around us: The World, The Flesh, and The Devil. They work together equally, each in some way causing or encouraging the other. To focus on one and ignore the others will have its consequences, perhaps the most obvious being the simple inability to fix a nagging problem as a result of trying to fix the wrong thing in the wrong way.

Before we go blaming something on demon possession, we must realize it's simply how a world without knowledge of any alternative will obviously behave, especially when one's sinful flesh is involved.

Before we go blaming something on those darn homosexuals or any other group of sinners we might choose at that moment, we must realize that we are no better and it is only by the grace of God that we are avoiding the path of many others in "the world."

And before we boil everything down to an individual matter of the sinful flesh, we must remember the devil has his schemes and the world has its alluring ways of going about things.

Now, it's admittedly my own bias (even though I like to categorize myself as a Moderate Calvinist rather than a Diehard Calvinist), but I would say "the flesh" is the one most often getting ignored, and the one that needs to be dealt with first and foremost. But if I say that, aren't I ignoring the point I'm trying to make here? I guess so.

I'm pointing out The World, The Flesh, and The Devil to encourage people to take closer notice of the flesh. The devil and the world are scapegoats that are all too easy to use in justifying our own actions, establishing ourselves as innocent and righteous instead of leaving that job up to Christ. It's must easier to point the finger elsewhere than to admit and acknowledge what these first few verses of Ephesians 2 really tell us about ourselves.

And yet, while I encourage people in that train of thought, I probably need to remind myself to look more at the devil and the world. . .

I was finally able to accurately express my thoughts regarding my teaching job to someone yesterday.

After he asked, I told him how wonderful my job is. He said it must feel good to finally be able to teach and enjoy it. I agreed, but said that I only wish I could have found a way to teach like this and make it work where I was before. It's a shame, I said. He told me he could tell that this upsets me. That bittersweet tension--between enjoying a new opportunity and regretting the last one couldn't have worked out differently--is what I've had such a hard time communicating.

But I know that figuring out how to actually teach in that environment and to that demographic is not for me, at least not at this point in time. I want to very badly, but I know that it simply is not my job. I tried it, and I cannot do it.

So, did I abandon them? A lot of times I feel like I did, and a lot of times I'm afraid others might see it that way. But I've come to the point where I understand there was nothing more for me to do there. Instead I've gained a sense of empathy for the people that CAN do a good job there, and I'll be rooting them on and praying for more teachers like them.

Have I given up on the public school system? That might be a little more difficult to answer. I want the public school system to work. I want a good education to be available to all people regardless of demographic. And yet I see all the problems, all the things that make the public school system terribly and almost unavoidably mediocre. I do believe it can be changed, but it takes some integrity, responsibility, and professionalism in administrators and the teachers they hire. Sometimes that seems hard to come by.

So, yes, I love my job.

But I do wish it was possible to be loving a job at an urban public school.

A lot of people tend to complain about the fact that they never know when I'm being serious and when I'm being sarcastic. Apparently there's a fine line between the two that often gets blurry. I've always had a rule that I will always answer truthfully if someone asks, "Are you serious?" Although recently, I've found out that sometimes even I don't know when I'm being serious and when I'm not.

I do get a little frustrated, though, when I am trying to be completely serious and people refuse to believe it or accept it. I guess though, after all this time, maybe I mostly deserve that.

Well, I've always attempted to tone down the sarcasm in my classroom. I never thought it was too much of a problem. But apparently the kids are starting to detect this same fine line that everyone else is struggling with.

During games day yesterday, I was giving one boy some genuine, authentic encouragement. I was really trying to help here, giving him some serious praise. He looked at me with eyes of skepticism and said, "Are you being serious or sarcastic?" I was stunned.

Come on!

I just realized that, so far, none of my students have told me I look like Peter Parker/Spiderman.

In all the schools I've taught in, this has never happened before. It usually only takes a couple of hours for them to think of it...a couple of days at most.

I have yet to have a student call my wardrobe "mad whack" (which is a bad thing). On the other hand, I have yet to have a student call my wardrobe "mad bangin'" (which is a good thing). They haven't even said either of those in their own vernacular.

Instead, most of them have decided to remain neutral, simply commenting on color schemes and the like. Things such as...

"You wear earthtones often." or "That tie is orange." or "Was your shirt that white this morning?"

Neutral indeed. Must be the art of diplomacy they've been taught at home. I'm on to them.

In the same vein, I think they know that using the comment "interesting" is fairly neutral itself. When I wrote the word on one boy's paper he asked me, "So is that a good thing or a bad thing? How did you mean it?"

They're on to me.

My kids took a small quiz on the seven continents. Spelling counted.

I informed one boy that Antarctica had a tricky little letter in between the r and the t.

He looked at it, and questioned what I meant by saying very deliberately:

"Ant-arc-tica??"

"Yup."

"Who knew!?!" he responded with astoundment.

It has slowly dawned on me (no pun intended, truly) that I no longer dread waking up in the morning. What a wonderful feeling!

When I told someone at Bible study that I've never really written extensive lesson plans he said, "But I thought last year you were always complaining on Sunday nights about all the work you had to do!" He's right, I did. But I think it wasn't so much lesson plans or work I was worried about finishing. Instead, it was the intense Sunday night mental preparation that needed to happen.

And by mental preparation I mean wallowing in dread, anxiety, and depression.

But not so, anymore!

lots of people liked the movie zodiac.

i guess it kept me watching, but on the whole it was much too slow, long, boring, and unaffecting for its own good.

official art and culture update:

after seeing menomena entertain the kids and giggling along (you really MUST watch that video), i finally decided i needed to buy their cd. i walked to the store down the street, and much to my dismay, they didn't have it. i was about to walk out depressed, and decided on a whim to check out the used section. there it was for $7. brilliant. you can listen here.

just as i recently said i thought i should, i began reading l'engle's wrinkle in time. i'm about halfway through and absolutely loving it. it's easy to find time to read when you find something you enjoy.

erica's been watching ugly betty on dvd and i've been falling asleep. i don't think it's funny enough to be getting all the recognition it got, but it has its moments i guess. we're about to start the office season 3, none of which i've seen yet, and BOY am i excited.

it's been a slow movie season for me recently, but i'm still thinking about and laboring over judd apatow and his movies. i have yet to see superbad. i'm still debating over whether it's worth it or not. this is a conversation for another blog post. but while we're on the subject, knocked up is coming out on dvd soon, and if you think it might be worth it, you have my blessing. i think.

i'm excited about the sigur ros trailer jamin showed me. as if i didn't want to move to iceland badly enough already!

i'm anxious to see the darjeeling limited, dan in real life, and my kid could paint that.

We had our first fire drill today.

The alarm went off and every single student closed their mouths completely even without being told. They were absolutely, totally, utterly silent all the way outside.

And no one threw rocks.

It was amazing.

i marvel at the person i become in front of a crowd. after getting used to parent nights being a night where i sat in my classroom by myself for 2+ hours, the majority of the parents of our 54 fifth graders showed up tonight. i had to introduce myself and discuss the science curriculum.

i don't understand how i do it. one minute i'm shy and socially awkward with a stomach all in knots, and then i jump up, dive in, start telling jokes, get everyone loose and laughing, and freely address the topics at hand.

who is this guy?

other than using up a good dose of adrenaline, i do not understand how in the world the transformation takes place.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ. In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory."

I wonder if Paul knew when he was writing words that would one day become Scripture.

When he wrote these words above--which make one long, expansive sentence in the Greek--to the Ephesians, I think he must have known, but I don't think he planned it that way. The way scholars and commentators have dissected, belabored over, and torn apart this passage, we might be tempted to think Paul thought through these things very carefully and wrote them down specifically and intentionally. Instead, I picture him sitting down to write his letter, and he was suddenly moved by the Spirit. He simply began writing, quickly, vigorously, as the words came to mind and poured forth, spilling onto the page. He could not stop to think about what he was writing, because his pen just kept moving at such a fast pace that he could barely keep up. Finally, he paused, added the single period, and put his pen down to take a breath. His eyes looked over what was written, and his heart leapt as he rejoiced in the truths he found there: not truths that came from his own mind, but the truths that were delivered by the Spirit through him. Perhaps he wept with joy at the humbling notion of being used in such a way. And at this point, he could not comprehend the words he just wrote, nor could he comprehend being the chosen communicator of such lofty thoughts, which is why he immediately launched into a prayer for understanding in verse 15.

And this reminds me of art in its truest sense: art without a set agenda that gives way to deeper, transcendent meanings after being created.

Madeleine L'Engle often talked about how she did not find symbolism or deeper truths in her stories until several years after finishing them, perhaps not even realizing until someone else pointed it out. She simply told the story at the time, "serving" the characters as she puts it, and found surprising things later on.

Michael Nau of Page France says the lyrics on his album Hello, Dear Wind just came to mind and sounded good at the time. All of the spiritual allusions people point out in his songs simply confound him.

I wonder if the people of Ephesus asked Paul about his opening sentence in the same way we interrogate authors and artists. "Why did you choose this word?" "What did you mean by that word?" Perhaps he stuttered, had a hard time communicating, because ultimately he couldn't answer. Those were not his words, and he's been wondering the same things all this time.

This is difficult for a logical, cerebral, non-artistic person to comprehend. It sounds too mystical. Impossible. How can you write something with such obvious symbolism and meaning without planning it or thinking about it, without realizing it? But if we can entertain the idea with the writing of Paul, perhaps it's easier to see it happening in the work of artists. And while I'm not radical enough to elevate everyday art to the level of scripture (although, I may be bold enough to suggest that any truly good piece of art is inspired by the Spirit, just as L'Engle would have in so many words said), perhaps we have a lot more to learn from art than we often realize or take the time to admit.

I made a poster for my classroom that says, "Ask Questions!"

One of the first activities I did in science class was to have students in their journals answer: "Why is it important to ask questions?"

I got a lot of typical concrete answers...to learn...to clear up confusion...to make sure you understand. All of these answers were centered around asking questions of the teacher. There was really only one boy who gave the answer I was hoping to get:

"By asking questions we challenge ourselves to think harder. . ."

Yes! And from there I had to tell the kids over and over that I'm not necessarily telling them to ask questions of the teacher but to ask questions of themselves, to be curious, to look deeper, to find answer themselves, to be independent thinkers and independent learners. Good scientists are curious, always asking questions, and so are good students and good thinkers.

I think it's working, slowly but surely. During all three periods in the science lab on Friday, the instructor asked the question, "What do scientists do?" One of the first answers said in all three classes was,

"They ask questions."

How satisfying!

Erica's aunt was asking about my job last night. When I described it to her, she said simply, "You get to teach!"

Yes. I get to teach. Finally. And more importantly, the kids get to learn. It's a great feeling.

A large man walking at a quick pace just passed by on the sidewalk in front of our house. He was talking loudly and animatedly, using his hands for emphasis. He was all alone, but his booming voice drifted in through our open windows as he said the following:

"Hey! Hey! Hey Brian! How's it goin' man?! You remember me? How ya been?! It's so good to see you! You are getting SO TALL! It's just like you're growin' and growin' and growin'! I can't believe it! It's so good to see you! Hey, how's that little sister o' yours? She OK? So what have you been up to? Man, you're tall! You're just so tall! I can't believe it! You're tall. Yes you are..."

By this time he was up to the next block and his voice faded away.

Here's hoping he was practicing for an acting audition (and here's hoping he keeps practicing), unless Brian--who has really grown, by the way--was walking a block in front of him, trying to get away perhaps, which might explain why this man was walking so quickly and talking so loudly.

While few of us knew her personally, we felt like we did, and we would tell you we lost a friend on Thursday.

Madeleine L'Engle has died.

Her writing has meant very much to many of us, encouraging, inspiring, and entertaining us, spurring us on to deeper thought. It's amazing how all of the news articles speak only of A Wrinkle in Time and rarely about any other of the charming works in her prolific collection. I guess that means it's about time I read A Wrinkle in Time, especially now that I'm an elementary teacher, and especially if I want to keep calling her a friend. I actually bought it right before we left for the summer. (It's a cheap buy on Amazon!) It's about time I dig in.

Other remarks.

An excerpt from an interview:

So to you, faith is not a comfort?
Good heavens, no. It’s a challenge: I dare you to believe in God. I dare you to think [our existence] wasn’t an accident.

Many people see faith as anti-intellectual.
Then they’re not very bright. It takes a lot of intellect to have faith, which is why so many people only have religiosity.

Have you read the Harry Potter books?
I read one of them. It’s a nice story but there’s nothing underneath it. I don’t want to be bothered with stuff where there’s nothing underneath. Some people say, “Why do you read the Bible?’’ I say, "Because there’s a lot of stuff underneath."

Nutella was expensive, but I bought some anyway. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but when I put it on a piece of fresh baked bread this morning and savored its chocolatey hazelnutty spreadable goodness for the first time in over a month, I was just about brought to tears.

I have fallen out of blogging-mode. I thought it could never happen. But in the past few days when I've thought about how long it's been since I've consistently posted here, a tiny little voice said to me, "Maybe it's the end of blogging for you..."

Get behind me Satan!

I have started my year at my new school. As expected, the new environment is absolutely, completely, 100% different, the complete opposite of my past teaching experience. The kids arrived on Wednesday, so we've had 3 days with them. It's a sharp learning curve and plenty to adjust to, so much so that I stayed at school past 6:00 three nights in a row, but once we get used to all that I think it will be a great experience.

Because these students will be a little more web-savvy and a little brighter in regards to finding things on the web, and because their parents are considerably more involved in their lives and education, and because it's much easier to get fired at a private school, you won't be hearing as many stories from my workplace here anymore. And let's be honest, there really won't be as much to talk about. Who wants to hear about darling little children who are extremely polite and excited to learn? That doesn't make blogging material! Booooring.

I have a feeling that, instead, you'll be finding more reflections of a spiritual nature here like you've seen recently. I've been tossing around the idea of writing articles for some publications. I've always had dreams of being a writer, and I think that might be the easiest place to start for the type of writing I enjoy. So this might become a sort of a brainstorming forum for me, or a sounding board of sorts. We'll see.

Does that mean I'll lose all of my faithful readers who would much prefer to read about my misfortune as a tortured teacher over spiritual musings?

You tell me, I suppose.

But recently Erica asked how many people read my blog, and I told her I'd never hooked up a sitemeter program to know. This surprised her. But I've always said from the very beginning that this blog was for me. A place to document and create and reflect and think. The idea of sharing with others is motivation to do so, which is why I blog instead of journal. But ultimately, it's just a therapeutic place for me to do something I need to do.

Anyway, now that I've bored you to death, can I tell you how wonderful yesterday was?

I began teaching an adult Sunday school class on the book of Ephesians. It was a little frightening standing in front of 40-or-so adults of all ages and backgrounds and experiences, but it went really well and I got some good feedback. I am honored to have such an opportunity, and I was glad it went so well.

Then the church service was really good. I hope I'm not offending anyone here, but our church services tend to be pretty hit-and-miss. Yesterday was definitely a hit.

Then after church since it was the most perfectly beautiful day you've ever seen with clear blue skies and a perfect temperature, Erica and I went to get some subs and ate them at the local park. It felt very French and we loved it.

Those three things were enough to put me on a high for the rest of the week, and since I was so filled with joy I decided the rest of the day was going to be more of the same: relaxing and enjoying myself and not worrying about work.

So when I got home, I decided to record for basically the first time since we finished our hymn CD two years ago. I have a MacBook now with Garageband, and while using a computer lacks a certain amount of lo-fi charm that you get with a 4-track, it's pretty wonderful all the things you can do. So, we pretty much finished "I stand amazed in the presence" also known as "How marvelous" and let me tell you, this track is HOTT with two t's. Look for the new album to drop in the near future, since we're so excited about how much better it sounds. I feel like a real rock star saying like everyone always says, "This album is better than anything we've ever done before...we're really taking things to a new level..."

Then our parents visited last night, which was really nice too, even though I fell asleep with them here.

And that was our wonderful day.

Don't worry, I won't be doing daily recaps like this too often, either. But a day like that deserves recapping.