Teaching Vicariously 2

Though the effects of group-think and mob-mentality are pervasive, the number one rule of teaching is to remember kids are always smarter than we give them credit. And if you want to keep a room full of little gremlins under control, the number two rule of teaching is to move quickly and keep them guessing. And then there are beautiful moments when those two rules come together perfectly: the teacher moves quickly and the kids actually follow.

The most magical moments during my short teaching career were when certain kids picked up on my irony and sarcasm and played along. I was in the zone and so were they, and suddenly the classroom dialogue unrolled into a surreal ping-pong match of quick wit, something fit for a sit-com or indie screenplay.

I had been reading Stuart Little with the kid, pleased by the prose but underwhelmed by the story. But something changed when Stuart pulls up to a despondent superintendent of schools randomly pouting on the side of the road. What's his problem? He's got plenty, but today's is finding a substitute teacher for Miss Gunderson. The doctor says she may have rhinestones, and there's nobody in this town who knows anything, and school is supposed to begin in an hour.

It's this wonderfully offbeat setup that peaked my interest, and it only gets better from there. Because Stuart the mouse becomes the heroic substitute teacher for the day. And it only gets quirkier and more off-kilter, something fit for a Wes Anderson film, reminding me of those rare, beautiful moments of my own in the classroom. The moments where the goodie-two-shoes are slightly nervous, the bright rebels are delighted and take the lead, and the rest are a little bit lost but more than happy to observe. Move quickly. Keep them guessing. Hope they'll join you.

"Let me have your attention please!" repeated Stuart. "As you know, Miss Gunderson is sick and I am taking her place."
"What's the matter with her?" asked Roy Hart, eagerly.
"Vitamin trouble," replied Stuart. "She took Vitamin D when she needed A. She took B when she was short of C, and her system became overloaded with riboflavin, thiamine hydrochloride, and even with pyridoxine, the need for which in human nutrition has not been established. Let it be a lesson for all of us!" He glared fiercely at the children and they made no more inquiries...
"What's the first subject you usually take up in the morning?"
"Arithmetic," shouted the children.
"Bother arithmetic!" snapped Stuart. "Let's skip it...what next do you study?"
"Spelling," cried the children.
"Well," said Stuart, "a misspelled word is an abomination in the sight of everyone. I consider it a very fine thing to spell words correctly and I strongly urge every one of you to buy a Webster's Collegiate Dictionary and consult it whenever you are in the slightest doubt. So much for spelling. What's next?"
..."Writing," cried the scholars."
"Goodness," said Stuart in disgust, "don't you children know how to write yet?"
"Certainly we do!" yelled one and all.
"So much for that, then," said Stuart.
"Social studies come next," cried Elizabeth Gardner, eagerly.
"Social studies? Never heard of them," said Stuart. "Instead of taking up any special subject this morning, why wouldn't it be a good idea if we just talked about something."
The scholars glanced around at each other in expectancy.
"Could we talk about the way it feels to hold a snake in your hand and then it winds itself around your wrist?" asked Arthur Greenlaw.
"We could, but I'd rather not." replied Stuart.
"Could we talk about sin and vice?" pleaded Lydia Lacey.
"Nope," said Stuart. "Try again."
"Could we talk about the fat woman at the circus and she had hair all over her chin?" begged Isidor Feinberg, reminiscently. 
"No," said Stuart. "I'll tell you, let's talk about...the Chairman of the World. The world gets into a lot of trouble because it has no chairman...The Chairman has to have ability and he must know what's important. How many of you know what's important?"
Up went all the hands.
"Very good," said Stuart, cocking one leg across the other and shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "Henry Rackmeyer, you tell us what is important."
"A shaft of sunlight at the end of a dark afternoon, a note in music, and the way the back of a baby's neck smells if its mother keeps it tidy," answered Henry.
"Correct," said Stuart. "Those are important things. You forgot one thing, though. Mary Bendix, what did Henry Rackmeyer forget?" 
"He forgot ice cream with chocolate sauce on it," said Mary quickly.
"Exactly," said Stuart. "Ice cream is important"....